Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
