I'm going to jail i love you
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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