Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
