it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
