How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
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I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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