Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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