oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Found the puke drawer
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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