Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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