Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
