Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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