you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I'm passing your future prison.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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