I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
