You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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