i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
