Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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