This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
