Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
