my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
