theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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