How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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