Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
