I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
