there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
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Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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