The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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