from now on my penis is your penis
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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