dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
