yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
