Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
