If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
