dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
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