You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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