He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.