i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
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I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.