it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
