OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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