true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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