His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
