her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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