Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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