How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
