I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
