i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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