I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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