bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
