I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I wish I could teleport
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
