I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
