She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
