Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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