saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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