Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
