She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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