i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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