No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
