you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
