Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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