We're like a lot better than the average bears
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this boner is exhausting
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Randomize
