we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I checked into jail on foursquare
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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