everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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