Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
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She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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