come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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