she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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