I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
cat food counts as protein by the way
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
